Colonic – DON’T READ UNLESS YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW MY COLONIC WENT

Ok, so I had my first colonic yesterday. Here’s the story for all of you, like me, who are morbidly fascinated with clogged intestines.
I go into the center, not knowing what to expect. I sit in the waiting room until my therapist calls me. We go into her office and have a seat.
“Why are you here?’ she says.
“I’ve always wanted a colonic,” I reply.
Simple enough. We chat about diet. She looks over my questionnaire and makes suggestions and comments.
“Avoid the carbonated water,” she cautions.
“But I love my Poland Spring, I drink one a day.”
She ominously warns, “You’re just pumping gas into your body, no wonder you feel so bloated all the time.”
My heart breaks, I say a silent good-bye to my Poland Spring Sparkling Water and we walk into the therapy room. She asks me to undress below my shirt. Once she leaves the room, I take my pants off and lie on a table and cover up with a blanket. When she returns to the room, she takes the tube, lubes it up, has me turn on my side, and inserts that sucker into my anus. Let’s talk about that for a second. Not very comfortable. I got the pre-poop hot flash and realized that four inches of plastic was going to be in my butt for the next hour. It was then that I became concerned about making it through the session. I’m sure if you have anal sex it feels better and not as medical, but from this brief foray into anal play, I’m not sure it’s for me.
My therapist was a pro. As she massaged my stomach to help ease the release, she chatted away about diet and health as if it were totally normal that I was pooping on a table. At first, only gas came out. I guess I had a backlog, but then slowly but surely, debris started to makes its way out of my intestines. The colonic machine has a nice illuminated window where you can watch the “stuff” fly by before it goes into the sewage system.
I will tell you this, I felt alive in a way I never have before. I was really in the moment – horribly uncomfortable, lying on a table deficating with another person present. You can’t fake that.
When the session was over (and no, I did not get all the poop out, apparently that takes a few sessions to get to the good stuff, like gum and quarters, etc.) she had me run to the bathroom, which was down the hallway, with the blanket wrapped around my bum, and “finish up” on the toilet. I awkwardly stumbled into another patient walking in the hallway. I was trying to convey with my body language, “you need to get out of my way because I am going to poop on you otherwise.” I think she picked up on what I throwing down, so she shuffled off and I made my way to the toilet.
How did I feel? I felt tingly and detoxed. I’m not sure how else to describe it. I was in a little bit of shellshock afterwards. I went to Whole Foods and bought a bunch of fruits and vegetables as well as flax seeds, so I could keep the magic going at home.
When I got home, I crawled into bed and stayed there for the rest of the afternoon, sleeping.
Would I do it again? I’m not sure. The procedure is very uncomfortable. It doesn’t hurt, but it doesn’t necessarily feel good either. But you do feel “better” afterwards because you got the poop out of you.  Isn’t that what life is all about — getting the poop out?
-Cathleen